So, it’s been awhile huh? I know I’ve been neglecting my blog, but big things have been happening in my world lately and adjusting to them has taken some time. The frustration from taking on so much, going to the extreme in anything and everything I do, the exhaustion from burnout, the mistakes from exhaustion.. It’s a never ending circle of sorrow, and when things move in a circle there is no progression. No happiness.
I posted awhile ago about slipping, partying, and being in therapy. Kristin saved my life that night, and I truly believe that if she hadn’t had been so selfless and caring I wouldn’t be where I am now. Her phone call created a chain of events leading me to one of the most powerful life changing events in my 20 years.
I have Adult ADD
pretty sure half of you are thinking ‘Oh my goodness that finally makes sense why she’s such a nutjob!’ The other half are possibly(*hopefully*) thinking, ‘ Oh but she seems so put together!’ Second half gets cookies 🙂
This kinda came about by a concerned professor. She’s a really good friend of mine, and I asked her if she could help me figure out a different way to study for her class, because I could study for 4 1/2 -6 1/2 hours, and still fail the quiz. The kid next to me? Review for 5 mins before the test and get near perfect. Incredibly frustrating. So I started to draw pictures of all the concepts in big, chunky, colorful, markers and went from a 52% average to a 92% average, but I was still studying for obnoxious amounts of time.
A little sidenote, Professor Cohen has offered me her lab assistant position until I graduate, meaning tuition is now taken care of, which eliminates a crippling worry. She made this offer, but only if I quit basketball that very day, so I could work on my schooling. I called Coach Neal the second I stepped out of her office. Balance? I think yes. 🙂
So back to the hardest class of my life with Professor Cohen, (mind you this is a senior level (Honors) Anatomy and Physiology class). Super hard, but I was killing myself to do well. As always. Professor Cohen saw something different, not ‘she’s not good enough’ or ‘if only she would try harder’ but ‘somethings holding her back’ and ‘we need to unlock her potential’ and so she did a little research about me. Talked to a couple of my professors and then talked to me. My other professors noted that although I worked hard and did well, but I couldn’t focus in class, was worried about another class, multi-tasking etc.
So when we talked again about my brain we talked about ADD ( *Professor Cohen also has ADD*) She recommended a Psychiatrist, after we had found an online ADD test by Dr. Amen. It was a relative test, seeing as neither one of us are Dr.s, but after the test my result was 86%.
I associated with 86% of Adult ADD tendencies and characteristics. So I went to see the Dr. and my life hasn’t been the same. I was incredibly nervous and apprehensive about the visit, but when the Dr’s second question was:
“Have you ever been suspended from school?”
I decided that maybe this was something real.
Or my inability to process change?
Circular thinking, same bad thoughts circling and circling my mind til I explode?
Chronic sense of underachievement, feeling you should be much further along in your life than you are
Impulsive thoughts and actions?
An internal sense of anxiety or nervousness?
Poor handwriting, often prints
Spends excessive time at work due to inefficiencies?
Trouble with authority.
Vulnerability (i.e. going the extra mile for someone who won’t appreciate you.)
The harder you try, the worse it gets
Difficulties falling asleep, may be due to too many thoughts at night
Frequent search for high stimulation (bungee jumping, gambling, race track, doing many things at once, etc.)
I just thought I had issues like everyone else, which I do. I still do, but with medication..I have CONTROL over these tendencies and traits. I am a THOUSAND percent better.
I feel like I am the girl I want to be. I’m accomplishing incredible things and I can finally see that ! Not the 1/2 point deduction for an uneven frosting. I’ll still see it, but it won’t stay with me for 2 1/2 years. I quit basketball, without any guilt. I’m focusing on me. Cutting out the unnecessary for real this time. I know who I am, what I believe, and that I live an incredible life, and as much as I tried to write about my ‘fake’ joy in the past, I am genuinely confident in myself. Something that I’ve never had, and something I will never let anyone take from me.I did make those harmful decisions, but to have an explanation as to why I was ALWAYS in trouble in growing up and in high school is just priceless to me. I’m enjoying my family more, having real conversations on a deeper level with those I love. Building stronger relationships because I can see the bigger picture. I can stop the billions of thoughts in my head so I can focus on that person, focus on the conversation, and not have the need to be texting/tweeting/facebooking ignoring them and then be confused when the conversation ends badly. THAT’S OVER ! 🙂
I’m home in Arizona this week, and I spent a whole day just talking to my mom, and I caught myself this afternoon telling her that I was afraid I talked to much. The reason I’m talking so much is because I can participate in a social conversation without making an impulsive hurtful remark and I have the confidence to carry on a conversation! I hid behind facebook and my blog and texting because I didn’t have to pick up on emotions, and had time to think about what to say in response. I’m no longer afraid of this. I talked to her all day about everything in my life and how this has changed me for the better and I didn’t say a single negative thing. Not a single worry, about school, finances, getting married nada. I am so happy with my life, and who I am, there’s no room in my big heart to let those terrible emotions and feelings come back in.
I’m sure there will still be a few laughie-cryie faces down the road, I wouldn’t be human without it, but as of right now, I am Blissfully Happy.
clean start.clean blog.clean life.