October 19th, 2013

Was a day I was preparing for my whole life.

I didn’t expect this day to come without it being tied to a husband or a mission, something so much bigger than me. Jessica Nan McGuire.

On October 19th, 2013. I was blessed to be able to go through the temple.

I had been thinking about this decision for awhile, working really hard, and preparing in every way I knew how.


So I’ve been praying a lot about it. Like that good non-stop consuming prayer thinking about it. And tonight when I was driving to Smith’s I felt it. I felt that overwhelming yes it’s time. And I cried. Because look how far we’ve come. From that sad, confused girl in Denver to now. Where I want nothing more than the temple and I feel worthy of this next step. 

And it’s big and scary.

Written next to the Eggs. 

I know that I hold insecurity in the desire to find marriage. My big beautiful family, wants marriage for me, not because they think I’m incapable of taking care of myself, but because there is a certain happiness that comes from their marriages and families. Which is the best kind of happy, of course the people who love me the most want what’s best for me.  and I want that happy too. With my whole heart I want that kind of love and happy. 

I wouldn’t trade my experiences since I left home for anything. I have learned more about who I am, and who I want to be in the past four years than in my whole life. Which I know I needed in order to feel confident and happy in a marriage. (no, I’m not secretly dating someone.) It was really scary for me to tell my Bishop I felt ready to make this step forward. Although there is no rule, it’s pretty standard to go through the temple in conjunction with marriage or a mission. 

But I trusted my heart, and ignored my insecurity. Because this. was. right. 

and My Bishop and Stake President felt exactly the same way. How grateful I was for that affirmation. They knew, I knew. There are things that insecurity wants nothing more than to destroy. To beat down the door and stop you in your tracks. 

but there are things that are bigger than insecurity, things that can’t be broken or destroyed. 

this. this is one of those things. 

and as I was standing all dressed in white feeling more beautiful and confident than I ever thought possible, with the two people who have seen me as that kind of beautiful my entire life. 

it clicked. 

Working towards this was truly the first time in my life I chose to know for myself what I believed in. It makes sense that my all too often distracted brain would have an opportunity to do this without any other events to distract. It made sense for me. 

October 19th, 2013 was always supposed to be October 19th, 2013. 

If you would like to know more about what happens in our temples click here

Driven to Distraction.

So, it’s been awhile huh? I know I’ve been neglecting my blog, but big things have been happening in my world lately and adjusting to them has taken some time. The frustration from taking on so much, going to the extreme in anything and everything I do, the exhaustion from burnout, the mistakes from exhaustion.. It’s a never ending circle of sorrow, and when things move in a circle there is no progression. No happiness.

I posted awhile ago about slipping, partying, and being in therapy. Kristin saved my life that night, and I truly believe that if she hadn’t had been so selfless and caring I wouldn’t be where I am now. Her phone call created a chain of events leading me to one of the most powerful life changing events in my 20 years.

I have Adult ADD

pretty sure half of you are thinking ‘Oh my goodness that finally makes sense why she’s such a nutjob!’ The other half are possibly(*hopefully*) thinking, ‘ Oh but she seems so put together!’ Second half gets cookies 🙂 
This kinda came about by a concerned professor. She’s a really good friend of mine, and I asked her if she could help me figure out a different way to study for her class, because I could study for 4 1/2 -6 1/2 hours, and still fail the quiz. The kid next to me? Review for 5 mins before the test and get near perfect. Incredibly frustrating. So I started to draw pictures of all the concepts in big, chunky, colorful, markers and went from a 52% average to a 92% average, but I was still studying for obnoxious amounts of time.

A little sidenote, Professor Cohen has offered me her lab assistant position until I graduate, meaning tuition is now taken care of, which eliminates a crippling worry. She made this offer, but only if I quit basketball that very day, so I could work on my schooling. I called Coach Neal the second I stepped out of her office. Balance? I think yes. 🙂

So back to the hardest class of my life with Professor Cohen, (mind you this is a senior level (Honors) Anatomy and Physiology class). Super hard, but I was killing myself to do well. As always. Professor Cohen saw something different, not ‘she’s not good enough’ or ‘if only she would try harder’ but ‘somethings holding her back’ and ‘we need to unlock her potential’ and so she did a little research about me. Talked to a couple of my professors and then talked to me. My other professors noted that although I worked hard and did well, but I couldn’t focus in class, was worried about another class, multi-tasking etc.  
So when we talked again about my brain we talked about ADD ( *Professor Cohen also has ADD*) She recommended a Psychiatrist, after we had found an online ADD test by Dr. Amen. It was a relative test, seeing as neither one of us are Dr.s, but after the test my result was 86%.

I associated with 86% of Adult ADD tendencies and characteristics. So I went to see the Dr. and my life hasn’t been the same. I was incredibly nervous and apprehensive about the visit, but when the Dr’s second question was:
“Have you ever been suspended from school?” 
I decided that maybe this was something real. 
Or my inability to process change?
Circular thinking, same bad thoughts circling and circling my mind til I explode?
Chronic sense of underachievement, feeling you should be much further along in your life than you are
Impulsive thoughts and actions?
An internal sense of anxiety or nervousness?
Poor handwriting, often prints
Spends excessive time at work due to inefficiencies?
Trouble with authority.
Vulnerability (i.e. going the extra mile for someone who won’t appreciate you.)
The harder you try, the worse it gets
Difficulties falling asleep, may be due to too many thoughts at night
Frequent search for high stimulation (bungee jumping, gambling, race track, doing many things at once, etc.)

I just thought I had issues like everyone else, which I do. I still do, but with medication..I have CONTROL over these tendencies and traits. I am a THOUSAND percent better. 

I feel like I am the girl I want to be. I’m accomplishing incredible things and I can finally see that ! Not the 1/2 point deduction for an uneven frosting. I’ll still see it, but it won’t stay with me for 2 1/2 years. I quit basketball, without any guilt. I’m focusing on me. Cutting out the unnecessary for real this time. I know who I am, what I believe, and that I live an incredible life, and as much as I tried to write about my ‘fake’ joy in the past, I am genuinely confident in myself. Something that I’ve never had, and something I will never let anyone take from me.I did make those harmful decisions, but to have an explanation as to why I was ALWAYS in trouble in growing up and in high school is just priceless to me. I’m enjoying my family more, having real conversations on a deeper level with those I love. Building stronger relationships because I can see the bigger picture. I can stop the billions of thoughts in my head so I can focus on that person, focus on the conversation, and not have the need to be texting/tweeting/facebooking ignoring them and then be confused when the conversation ends badly. THAT’S OVER ! 🙂 

I’m home in Arizona this week, and I spent a whole day just talking to my mom, and I caught myself this afternoon telling her that I was afraid I talked to much. The reason I’m talking so much is because I can participate in a social conversation without making an impulsive hurtful remark and I have the confidence to carry on a conversation! I hid behind facebook and my blog and texting because I didn’t have to pick up on emotions, and had time to think about what to say in response. I’m no longer afraid of this. I talked to her all day about everything in my life and how this has changed me for the better and I didn’t say a single negative thing. Not a single worry, about school, finances, getting married nada. I am so happy with my life, and who I am, there’s no room in my big heart to let those terrible emotions and feelings come back in.

I’m sure there will still be a few laughie-cryie faces down the road, I wouldn’t be human without it, but as of right now, I am Blissfully Happy.

 Jessica Nan.

clean start.clean blog.clean life.  

Genuinely Happy

Today my mother called me at 1:12pm… I was just waking up, and nothing makes me as excited as to hear someones voice who loves me when I wake up. We talked about getting home from Kansas at 3am, and that my family’s coming in 4 count ’em days.. and then we talked about penzeys, only the most incredible spice store ever.. but then she said something that made me really really happy.

she said. “You know why I love you today?”

“No, please tell me 🙂 “

“You are genuinely happy and content with your life, and you haven’t always been, and I’m grateful that you are, and have such a strong testimony of the gospel.”

“Really? cause it doesn’t feel like that sometimes… “

” but you are Jesser :)”

I love when I can hear her smiling through the phone..

So thank you mom, for helping me realize that I am happy and content with my life..

Jessica nan