Leveled. Humbled. Grateful.

It finally caught up to me. I love the exhaustion that comes from working hard, but sometimes, sometimes your body gets tired of being that tired. Whether you’re happy or not.

My body went into full revolt.

About ten days ago I woke up in the middle of the night with what I thought was a stomach bug, and stopped throwing up long enough to get dressed for work, telling myself I could get through a five hour training. But in the culinary industry we can’t play around with things like that, no matter how tough you are. So fifteen minutes after I started working I found myself driving right back home picking up several cases of gatorade on the way home. I don’t even remember the last time I was sick!

Two days later I was allowed to go back to work, due to national safety regulations I have to wait 24hrs after I stopped throwing up before I could get back to the kitchen.

Friday night rolls around and I had had enough of being sick (two days, little did I know.) So I called my sweet Scott and asked him if we could go on an aquatic adventure. Which deserves a blog all its own.

Saturday night I was hurting. The lymph nodes in my face and neck were swelling, especially at the base of my skull and on my head. Since the double concussion any extra pressure on my head is bad news bears. Blurred vision, nausea, not good. So not realizing how bad of shape I was in, I figured I just had a really bad tension headache and my massage therapist could work it out for me. Bless her sweet heart I called her begging her to come immediately, thankfully she didn’t mind one bit and came and worked the tension and swelling out of my head and neck and worked on breaking my fever with essential oils.

Probably the best I felt in three days.

Then I get a text from Scott saying he went to the Dr. and turns out he has strep. So there was no more playing for him, and Sunday I rested all day long. Until my throat started to hurt really bad and I decided I wasn’t playing around with strep. After a little party at instacare with a very mean Dr. who told me I didn’t have strep, but I did have mono, there was a meltdown. He told me the worst part hadn’t even hit me yet and that I needed to rest for three weeks.

THREE WEEKS?! I’m going to feel yucky for THREE WEEKS?!

and because my strep test was negative he couldn’t give me antibiotics for three days, otherwise I might get a magic measles looking rash on top of all this fun stuff.

So I stomped my foot repeatedly in Smith’s. No one, not even my body gets to tell me to slow down.

****eats all my words****

Sad, sad girl.

but then it continued to escalate.

I was swelling so bad I couldn’t get any fluids in me. Gatorade, Water, my Super V8, nothing. I was scared and miserable.

Enter my Angel friend Kristina, she knew I was sick and came to check on me and knew I needed to go back to the Dr. But not the mean Dr. A Dr. who would listen to me and actually help the situation.

She got me packed up into the car and drove me to her Dr. who took one look at me and said that we needed a different plan than just resting. My organs had started to swell at this point and that was freaking me out. My body was in complete revolt/shut down. So so so dehydrated.

So they hooked me up to an IV in a dark room right there in their office so I wouldn’t have to go to the hospital. Lots of fluids and stuff for nausea, Kristina rubbed my feet and I calmed down a little bit. They were able to give me steroids for swelling and did a second strep test.

The steroids went to work on the lymph nodes and they went down in size considerably. Who knew you had so many? Visually could see a little “string of pearls” in my neck and shoulders. Gross. I went home to rest for another day and woke up in the middle of the night in a panic. It was insanely hard to breathe.

If I was laying down then I would get congested, but if I sat up I couldn’t fill my lungs all the way and felt lots of sharp stabbing pains in my lungs. Apparently my spleen and liver have been swelling and were interfering with my breathing capabilities. Mono is a blood disease and your spleen filters your blood, who knew.

So I told Kristina who had so graciously come to tend me at 2am, that I thought I could tough out breathing until we could see the new Dr. who had been so helpful. (Breathing is not something to tough out. ) But I made it, and the Dr. decided he wanted to do bloodwork and an ultrasound on my spleen, liver, and aorta.

Scott and I made some really funny jokes in the Dr’s office, I should probably leave it at that, but for the record we’re really funny. Man I was grateful to have his hand to hold. I don’t like being sick.

Survived the bloodwork and ultrasounds, found out that my spleen was 4cm larger than it should be, and my liver was swelling. Oh and that I did have strep. Partyyyyyyyyyy.

Scott left me with Kristina to go pick up doTERRA for me, and to catch his class, Kristina got me tucked in, and passed the torch to Madi who picked up my new prescriptions and dinner for me. Then we watched Blank Check from the 90’s and it was glorious. Then Madi passed the torch to Scott and Hannah.

Nurse Hannah set all the prescription and Tylenol/Motrin reminders in my phone and monitored my breathing.

Heather picked up food for me and helped me move from upstairs to downstairs.

Dustin fixed a leaky toilet and didn’t mind that I couldn’t get off the couch to thank him.

Work told me to focus on resting and I got to rest for a week.

Gayle and Fred sent me the sweetest package with the prettiest scarf to cheer me up.

Kristina took me to get a pedicure and cucumber, lemon, mint juice.

Emery was my hands at work and I got to help quarterback a recipe from home.

Hannah brought me coloring books after I threw a tantrum that I was never going to get better.

My Mom got me the best multivitamins and answered her phone whenever I called.

Lindsay & Kristin put up with my many skype calls because I was bored and sad.

Scott was nice to me after I asked him if we could name one of our kids TangEly Frozenly.

Scott was nice to me after I asked him if we could at least name our doggie Spleenie.

Both are in the talking pile.. Mono makes you a little crazy.

My hometeachers came over and gave me a blessing.

Kelsi made me some divine chicken noodle soup and brought Mango Sorbet.

Lauren put up with a ridiculously silly phone call in the middle of the night.

I know that I can’t run as hard as I have in the past, and as scary as this week has been, and I know my body will continue to take it’s time to recover, I am so grateful for all my Angels who came and took care of me these past two weeks. I am not an easy patient, I stomp my foot frequently. But with all this time I’ve had to rest, I have learned that it’s okay to ask for help, and it was okay to let people take care of me. It was very humbling for me to be on the other side of the service. I ask myself frequently how can I give more, and this is one of the first times I realized that I can’t. I can’t give more, and that these people love me enough to take care of me. I don’t know what I would have done this week without so many prayers and angels to put me back together. I have so many wonderful people in my life. This is why we’re here y’know, to take care of each other.

It certainly takes a village.

I love my village.

and thankfully my organs have started shrinking back to their original size. and I can breathe a little bit easier. And I get to go back to work tomorrow. So many things to be grateful for. 

Heartbeats

I want to try and put into words everything I’ve been feeling lately. All good feelings. Powerful feelings. Gratitude for things I’ve waited and prayed years for. Like good friends. Feeling whole at church each week. Confidence in my ability to learn. Confidence in my ability to teach. A safe place to land at the end of each day. Working for someone who appreciates my ability, time, and talent. Making all of those sleepless nights and student loan payments worth it. 

My opinion being respected. Not being in trouble when someone says they want to talk to me. Having that be a talk of gratitude and appreciation for my efforts. Hearing a “yes” instead of a “no”. 
Feeling the first fall air hit my lungs when I walked outside today. Being able to tell my parents, sisters, brothers, and my girls where my life was going without fear. 
Learning how to love faster with my whole heart. 
Having a coma nap for 6 hours. I’ve never met someone who isn’t grateful for sleep. 
Mostly, I’ve found the place where the bad doesn’t get to stay bad. Because I have found where the good is happy good. 

Ps. I get to go to Denver next week, and it makes my heart explode. 
Pps. I’ve fallen in love with this picture.