October 19th, 2013

Was a day I was preparing for my whole life.

I didn’t expect this day to come without it being tied to a husband or a mission, something so much bigger than me. Jessica Nan McGuire.

On October 19th, 2013. I was blessed to be able to go through the temple.

I had been thinking about this decision for awhile, working really hard, and preparing in every way I knew how.

9.7.13

So I’ve been praying a lot about it. Like that good non-stop consuming prayer thinking about it. And tonight when I was driving to Smith’s I felt it. I felt that overwhelming yes it’s time. And I cried. Because look how far we’ve come. From that sad, confused girl in Denver to now. Where I want nothing more than the temple and I feel worthy of this next step. 

And it’s big and scary.


Written next to the Eggs. 


I know that I hold insecurity in the desire to find marriage. My big beautiful family, wants marriage for me, not because they think I’m incapable of taking care of myself, but because there is a certain happiness that comes from their marriages and families. Which is the best kind of happy, of course the people who love me the most want what’s best for me.  and I want that happy too. With my whole heart I want that kind of love and happy. 

I wouldn’t trade my experiences since I left home for anything. I have learned more about who I am, and who I want to be in the past four years than in my whole life. Which I know I needed in order to feel confident and happy in a marriage. (no, I’m not secretly dating someone.) It was really scary for me to tell my Bishop I felt ready to make this step forward. Although there is no rule, it’s pretty standard to go through the temple in conjunction with marriage or a mission. 

But I trusted my heart, and ignored my insecurity. Because this. was. right. 

and My Bishop and Stake President felt exactly the same way. How grateful I was for that affirmation. They knew, I knew. There are things that insecurity wants nothing more than to destroy. To beat down the door and stop you in your tracks. 

but there are things that are bigger than insecurity, things that can’t be broken or destroyed. 

this. this is one of those things. 


and as I was standing all dressed in white feeling more beautiful and confident than I ever thought possible, with the two people who have seen me as that kind of beautiful my entire life. 


it clicked. 


Working towards this was truly the first time in my life I chose to know for myself what I believed in. It makes sense that my all too often distracted brain would have an opportunity to do this without any other events to distract. It made sense for me. 


October 19th, 2013 was always supposed to be October 19th, 2013. 






If you would like to know more about what happens in our temples click here

You are never Alone.

I was talking to my Bishop last week, and we were talking about everything that I am trying to do in my life. My future goals, my goals for school, and really just life in general.

I have often felt that the reason I max myself out all the time is because that’s the only thing I know how to do. Because If I fail at one thing, I’ll still have 129847982749837423 other things I could possibly be good at.

I have made several Sacred Covenants at Baptism with my Father in Heaven, and part of that is preparing myself to enter one of his holy temples one day, with a worthy priesthood holder, to be sealed for time and all eternity.

If I was asked to give up all the dreams I am pursuing right now for a temple marriage, I would be in the car on the way to the temple. I want nothing more than to raise a righteous family. That is the dream. That is the goal.

I know that I have mentioned on several occasions that I am lonely, and I’ll admit I feel that way often, but I was turning to the wrong places to feel whole again. Because I know that I am never alone, and that my Heavenly Father loves me dearly, as do the rest of my family…

This past week I’ve made more of an effort to be involved with my single’s ward, I went to family night, institute, volleyball, and it made me feel less lonely, shocker. I know, you would think that I’m smart enough to figure out this problem.. but still, I felt better, and I met more people, and have since been called to be a visiting teacher, and there’s a calling in my future..

I have felt numb since May, and I just .. haven’t felt much of anything, including a desire to be myself and succeed at everything I want to do. And I blame myself for allowing Satan to come so close to me.. to be in my thoughts and actions, and it stops today. I refuse to feel so empty, because I am smart and talented.. and I know that you need to do good things to get good things.

and oneday, I will be walking out of the temple with my husband.

This is the Cardston, Alberta, Temple. It holds a very dear piece of my heart… but that’s another blog.

xoxo
Jessica Nan

Mise en Place – Everything in Place.

I’ve been really caught up in the quest to be happy lately. Which seems to be hard for those of us who run at a million miles an hour. Between 6am labs, honors projects, getting the coaches fired, getting new coaches, attempting to be social, helping at open houses, basketball, church, family, being a sister, taking time for myself…. I typically just close my eyes and say hang on!
Last week I had labs Monday through Friday 6am-Noon, and then helped out at an Open House Saturday. I got to sleep in til 6:30!! I was so tired friday, after the game I went and crawled in bed around 8:45 asleep by 9:15. This has happened Oh I don’t know a grand total once. The open house was a lot of fun to help with. This is what a real croquembouche looks like.
I run hard, but the standards I have set for myself are borderline compulsive. Last night after practice I showered and started to do laundry, and then I had to sweep and mop the floor, and then the mirror looked dirty, and then I realized the shower hadn’t been scrubbed, then the toilet was begging to be bleached. Clean the fridge? yes please. Re-Wash all the magic bullet cups, the tupperware, take out the trash… Dust everything… 
Did I mention I have a major project due at 6am Wednesday? 

Organize the toilet paper, re-stack books, when I say “re” i already did it once this week. Magnets on the fridge organized, Laundry’s done. Chef whites get ironed.(starched and febreezed) …. but the ironing doesn’t stop there. I ironed all the towels so the hang nicely. My bathrobe, my pillowcases… again. My quilt, and the sheets.

If you knew me in high school, you would know that my room had more bulimia than anorexia. I can’t focus on my homework unless everything is spotless. I wiped down the shampoo bottles last night.

For my 4th birthday we washed dishes 🙂 We had 4-5 play kitchens and washed dishes. I love to do dishes. The way my hands feel in warm soapy water, seeing the sparkle come off of a plate. It really just makes me happy.

It was 1:30 in the morning before everything was finished, didn’t work on the project, e-mailed Chef and I’m taking a mental health day today. To finish this project and get prepared for the practical tomorrow. 
 I can finally focus. I woke up at 6:14 today and I went back to bed. It was so nice! 
I’m going with Julica and Kelsey to go look at one last apartment/town home today. The plan is to start narrowing down where we want to live and kinda make a plan for next year. It’s crazy being a big Kid. I don’t think I’m very good at it, but what are you going to do?
2 more days of practice, 2 more days of waking up at 6am for labs.
I’m headed to Chicago Thursday. Arizona Monday. 

… and I think I’m happy 🙂

xoxo
  Jessica nan.